Rainy Season even in my heart.

So last Friday I was so happy. We did our first C-section. Mom and baby safe.
I was on top of the world........

 It is now 9:30pm on Friday night and I just got back to the Compound.
Rainy season has started. The people here in Ezo tell me that it will rain until November. The roads that are so bad to drive the 5 hours to the closest town Yambio are almost impassable now. But tonight even my spirit is raining, thundering and lightning.
What a sad evening......
So today was a typical day. Seeing Obstetrical and Gynecological patients all day. Everyone is enamored with the ultrasound machine. I happily and gladly show them their babies, their ovaries, their bodies inside.
I came home late in the afternoon. Took a shower. Was in the yard with the awesome midwife Annet (from Uganda) and then she received a call on her cellular phone that the other midwife who is at the hospital needs me to come stat as she has a baby who has "severe asphyxia" (trouble or not breathing). So Annet and I jump in the very old but thank God functioning Land Cruiser and I drove (as the official driver already went home) to the hospital over the terrible bumpy roads.
When I arrived people are looking at a grey baby. The midwife is giving the baby breaths through a ambu bag. She is alone doing her best. The nurse who was there was doing whatever she was told to do.
So I immediately started, neonatal resuscitation. We "worked" on the baby for almost 3 hours. Because I could just not let go. We would get a heart beat after epinephrine. So I would continue but the baby never spontaneously breathed and here we have no ventilator machines. I got an umbilical IV line going and was giving the baby medicine through there.
It was so hard for me to stop resuscitation. The entire family watched me for the nearly 3 hours. I kept praying to God to give me a clear idea of what I should do regarding "calling the code". The baby would become pink after epinephrine and heart rate would be strong. BUT no breathing.
Plus my goodness this is my first resuscitation. I wanted a living baby. I wanted to be the hero who gives the mother her baby and have every one happy that the Muzungo (white person) Doctor saved the baby.
But no........... that was not the plan.
It was hard to tell this 18 year old HIV positive mother that I could not bring her precious beautiful baby back.
She saw that I had worked my heart out for 3 hours. I had many times said, "Come on little one, come on baby, take a breath.". My shirt was soaking wet with sweat. My face was red.
She started to cry. I gave her the dead baby to hold. The interpreter told her everything. How we worked and no spontaneous breathing.
She looked at me and said, "Thank you for working so hard to try and save my baby."
I feel exhausted. The rain continues outside and in my heart.
Tomorrow will be a new day for me but the mother will live her entire life remembering her dead baby.
Pray for her.
God gives and God takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.